I THINK that’s it, my quota has been reached.

I’m at a stage where I can barely look at a slice of armour-protected cake or a bowl of shark’s fin soup without feeling a little queasy. Just mention “cold dish” and I have to lie down for a few minutes.

Some of you may be nodding, especially those of you who, like me, are suffering from a bad case of “wedding dinner fatigue”.

I don’t know what has got into couples this year, but barely a weekend goes by without several of them getting married.

Are you couples sick of dating or something?

But don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against weddings. It’s a happy occasion, it’s good for the economy and there is, in many cases, a free flow of booze.

So, I have no intention today of bashing weddings. No, my aim today is to be helpful, as much as a person who is unlikely to ever marry can be.

The way I intend to help is to tap into my sudden wealth of wedding attending/helping-out experience to provide some advice for you men preparing to tie the knot.

The bulk of my experience comes from helping two friends – who for the sake of privacy I’m referring to only as Chris and Joyce – get married to each other. Over the better part of six months, they have given me an insider’s view on wedding preparations to the point I feel qualified to write a column about it.

Okay, I’m going to dive right in with some deep insightful observations.

There are lots and lots of things to do before a wedding. So many things that it would be almost impossible to complete in one lifetime.

The tasks are therefore split between the bride and groom in the following manner. Groom: 1. Proposing 2. Showing up on the day dressed and sober and 3. Writing cheques. Bride: Everything else.

For some men, Task 1 is not even strictly necessary, especially if the couple intends to buy a Housing Board flat in Sengkang – in which case, a real estate agent will help pop the question. Very romantic.

Women’s one task (everything else) may sound simple, but can be daunting. They have to, among other things, decide what dress to get, whether to buy it or rent, where to hold the wedding, what sort of flowers to have, how many bridesmaids to get, should Mildred be one of them, will she get upset if she’s not, but she stuck me on reception duty at her wedding, not to mention I had to sit at table 33, how embarrassing was that... and so on.

For your more fancy weddings, the bride may have to decide how many horses the carriage will have, and if the horses get their own table, or share with Mildred.

This particular division of labour suits Chris just fine. And, secretly, I think it suits Joyce just fine as well.

You see, Chris cannot be trusted with picking things that match. His favourite pair of shorts is a toxic lime colour visible from the moon. Yet, he is convinced it matches anything. A wedding designed by Chris would look like it was decorated by vandals.

Joyce is well aware of this, yet she has decided that he must be included in the decision-making. After all, it’s his wedding too, she says.

But at the same time, to preserve her idea of a dream wedding, she cannot accept any of his choices. This can sometimes lead to problems.

Joyce: “Do you think we should go with the classic lavender passion motif or the rose mountain villa?”
Chris: “I like the lavender.”
Joyce: “What’s wrong with rose mountain? I think it complements the dress which has pink accents. (Starting to cry) I’m just trying to make things perfect for our special day. You are being so difficult.”

In that scenario, Chris has made a serious tactical error: when asked for an opinion, he, like a fool, gave one.

What he should have done is say: “I don’t know. Which one do you like, honey?” Then, whatever she says, reply: “You’re right, I think it will go very well with the dress/cake/tiara/horse.”

This is Chris’ current strategy, and it is working a treat. I will grant, however, that most men do participate slightly more in their wedding.

But then, I also know of some men who have craftily arranged for themselves to be posted overseas for the entire duration of the planning, thus removing the possibility of being involved beyond the three stipulated tasks.

I’ve given it some thought and come up with an explanation for it all. Women have an already perfectly formed vision of their wedding. But they don’t want to be seen as bossy and demanding, so will actively pretend to value men’s opinion. Guys, all you need to do is play along – pretend to give an opinion.

That way, stress is kept low, and everyone can relax and enjoy the shark’s fin, wedding cake and cold dish.

Speaking of which, I think I need to lie down.